Missing GRACE brings comfort & help to families
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| Missing GRACE founder Candy McVicar and Maple Lake volunteer Mikki Fobbe displayed the Care baskets designed to comfort the grieving families of still-born babies. |
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by Theresa Andrus
There is nothing worse for a parent than losing a child, no matter what age.
With that in mind, there is now an organization in Wright County working hard to help families cope with the deaths of the youngest of those children.
Missing GRACE is a non-profit foundation that provides services to the grieving families of stillborn babies. The organization was founded by Candy and Steve McVicar of Albertville in 2002, six months after the death of their daughter, Grace, who was stillborn 33 weeks into Candy's pregnancy.
Missing GRACE works with families who have suffered the loss of a child through miscarriage, premature birth, stillbirth or from birth defects that cause the death of a baby. The organization also serves as an advocate for comprehensive patient-focused prenatal care for all women and offers support for families experiencing infertility or considering adoption.
Volunteers for Missing GRACE provide comfort to families with emotional care and support during labor and after the baby is born, offer photography or video services, help with funeral service planning, and provide gowns and hats for babies as small as one pound. All of the services and a GRACE Care Basket are offered at no charge. Included in the baskets are a resource folder, a hand-made blanket for the baby, a journal, scrapbooking materials, books, a disposable camera and keepsakes intended to help families treasure the memory of their babies.
Candy McVicar said there is not enough support and information available for parents who have lost babies. She said parents often blame themselves or are urged by others to limit their grief and move on too quickly.
"Those comments don't help," Candy said. "We tell parents 'We're sorry you're hurting, we're sorry your baby has died. We support you, we love you and we care about you.'"
The name of the organization founded by the McVicars commemorates their first daughter and also stands for Grieve, Restore, Arise, Commemorate and Educate.
In 2008, Missing GRACE provided support to over 5,000 families around the world, despite the fact that the Twin Cities and surrounding communities are the organization's core service area.
To fund the efforts undertaken by Missing GRACE, events such as the "Hope & Hearts Run" have been organized to raise needed funds while also providing a time of healing for those who have lost babies. Last year's Minnesota Hope & Hearts Run, a 5K run/walk with a kids' fun run dash held in September at the Coon Rapids Dam Regional Park, exceeded 1,000 participants and raised $70,000 for the foundation. Also included among the events were a carnival, live music, an appearance by Goldy Gopher, the "Hope & Hearts" memorial wall, food vendors, and an opportunity for families to have their baby's name read before the "Hearts to Heaven" balloon release.
The McVicars hope that Missing GRACE will be able to have a network of volunteers and additional services around the world with a Hope & Hearts event in every state. In addition to Minnesota, the annual event also takes place in Kentucky and New Mexico.
Having crisis care teams associated with every hospital is another goal, in an effort to prevent others from going through the same heartache experienced by the McVicars when Grace was born. In this area, a team is working with New River Medical Center in Monticello and Missing GRACE is talking with Buffalo Hospital to establish a working relationship there.
A long-term goal is to create an area pregnancy center, where women can receive prenatal monitoring and testing that can give them the answers they need as they proceed through their pregnancy.
"Most doctors in the U.S. will begin to look at health programs after a woman has three miscarriages," Candy said. "We're saying, "You had one miscarriage, let's find out what's wrong. Let's help you.'"
Candy said her organization is looking for someone who has land or a building to donate to a cause that is under-funded.
"We have people coming to our support groups who drive an hour to get here," she said. "To get through the everyday stuff after losing a baby, there's not a lot out there."
Grace McVicar died due to problems with the umbilical cord, a situation that could be corrected with proper diagnosis and treatment. Candy said educated parents can be their own best advocates for their babies.
"If I knew then what I know now, my dead baby would not be dead," she said.
"The truth is, we will all die at some point and there will be a lot of infant and baby deaths along the way. But we feel there is so much more that we can do."
The McVicar family now includes two younger daughters, who will grow up knowing of their older sister, Grace, and the family's commitment to helping others who are missing their 'Graces.'
"We have a huge job to do," Candy said. "It's an important job, too. We need people to give and to help."
She told the story of a woman who came up to her at the end of a conference, saying that the last of her three stillborn babies was born 37 years ago.
"At that time, they just took the child away," Candy said. "They didn't even want her to know the gender."
After a life made much harder because of unresolved grief, the woman heard Candy talking about Missing GRACE on the radio, went home and for the first time, told her husband she wanted to talk about the babies.
"She said her husband stood up, got the car keys, grabbled his coat and said to her, 'Just please get in the car and go with me.'"
The couple drove to a cemetery, where the woman discovered that her husband had named and buried all three babies. Her husband explained that at the time of the stillbirths, the doctor told him women couldn't handle this type of tragedy. Her husband thought he was doing the right thing, visiting the graves of the babies by himself each week of those 37 years.
Now that the woman and her husband have been able to share their grief, Candy said the couple has been able to move on.
"She told me 'I'm finally feeling whole again. I've gotten to know my babies and I'm embarking on a new journey as an old woman.'"
Missing GRACE is also attracting attention in the Maple Lake area.
Mikki Fobbe of Maple Lake was a volunteer at New River Medical Center taking hospice classes when a volunteer coordinator brought the Missing GRACE program to her attention. Mikki said she had also experienced past miscarriages and understood what families faced with that tragedy go through.
"I feel that families and babies deserve to be treated with dignity," she said. "They need to be able to hold their baby and not just have it taken away."
And there are other changes that could help families.
"One thing that Candy has lobbied for is a birth certificate for stillborns," Mikki said. "You get a death certificate, but never a birth certificate. How can someone die if they never lived?"
Candy said there are many ways to assist Missing GRACE, from donations to participating in fundraising events to volunteering, all of which can be found at missinggrace.org and clicking on "Support our programs."
Mikki said she has received training on how to photograph stillborn babies, so that families have keepsakes and records to remember the children they had for such a brief time.
"We put the photographs on a DVD with beautiful music and it really helps to honor the lives of those babies," she said, noting that families also need help planning funerals, getting guidance through those funerals and having someone stay in contact with them for emotional support or future needs.
Candy said that guiding the Missing GRACE foundation is a big job, but one that has formed a special bond with her first-born daughter.
"This is a big commitment," Candy said. "But I really rejoice and enjoy the good stories that come from Missing GRACE. Parents will say, 'Because of you, we have hope again, we're going to try again.' That makes it all worthwhile.
"I was a good person before Grace was born, but I'm a better person now because of her."
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